6: Falling off the rails

Written late September 2020

Recently, I was asked about my COVID journey to date and everything I have experienced up until now symptom wise. For me, it started off with the typical signs of the flu: sore throat, headache, chills and that achy feeling when you know you’re fighting something that will hopefully go away sometime soon. The sore throat quickly subsided and an irritating cough settled in and has only just recently faded away. What has lingered the longest is this underlying sense of unwellness I feel when I wake up in the morning and a persistent pain that is hanging on with a vengeance.

As I have slowly started to feel better – not 100% mind you but so much better than how I was feeling this past summer, I find myself going back to old patterns.

Over the past few weeks, I have gradually started to return to my life as I once knew it. Fortunately, I still have the privilege of working from home and I am almost back to a full work week but the intensity is increasing as we are now faced with the second wave of this nasty virus.

In many ways, it feels like I never left. I am of course so happy and grateful to be back doing what I love to do, but I am very conscious of the fact that every day I am faced with the challenge of living up to the commitment I made to myself months ago as I sat on my dock unable to do much more than contemplate life. I promised myself that everything I was learning about self care and life balance would be my new way of being, no matter what and feel like I am failing miserably! My sister tells me that “failing” is a strong word and that although this is how I may be feeling, this isn’t how she sees it at all. Sliding back into old habits should not be seen as failure. I have indeed changed as I now have the ability to see what’s happening and the impact it is having on my recovery and I am nipping this one in the bud. These words spoken from my confidant who has been by my side virtually since this nightmare began so many months ago. 

The daily yoga sessions have become more sporadic and although I try to meditate I’m finding it increasingly difficult to live in the moment! Even my walks with my dog Jack are not as regular and this makes us both sad.

What to do? 

I have decided that moving forward, I will be mindful of my behaviors and how I choose to live my life. It’s not too late to reinforce the healthy lifestyle habits that I learned this summer and I will not go down a path already travelled.

Today, I worked and gave it my all but I also took the time to meditate without giving up although constantly having to remind myself to focus on the moment and just breathe.

Learning to meditate takes time, which I have to to invest.

After a 40 minute yoga class I was reminded of how great it makes me feel and I will do my darndest to reintegrate it to my daily routine.

I took my Jack for a 75 minute walk and chatted with an old friend. We shared stories and laughed hysterically. This is living the way I want to live.

For me, the art of simply being does not come easily. I have experienced the benefits of what this can bring to my sense of well being and choose to continue to consciously integrate this into my daily existence. I have come to understand that it is essential for me to stop doing, minimize distractions, focus on the present moment and be grateful. 

I continue to learn how to manage the ebb and flow of my ongoing symptoms and remain hopeful that one day they will disappear forever. Regardless of what the future holds, how I choose to live now has a huge impact on my present sense of well-being.  

I choose balance.

K.